I was walking through the jungle the other day and I saw a dead elephant, it had been beaten to death.. I was a bit confused but carried on walking, a few minutes later I saw a pygmy.. so I asked him "what happened to that elephant?" he said "I beat him to death with my club".. "f**king hell" I said "it must have been a big club".. "it is" he said "There's twenty of us...

My dog has no nose. How does he smell?

Awful

Ok, second joke fixed.

Much more tasteful.

You people are sick.

Im sorry I even started this thread.

I know a person who has a friend who has a daughter who was all at my house the other day. The daughter was sitting there with her shoes off and everyone was staring at her feet and she proceeded to say "The kids at school say I have camel toes." I still laugh until I cry. (This is actually a true story, no names were used and the actual person is a closer relative than the one mentioned. And yes, we let her know what camel toes were. She now wears looser clothing).

Okay I already know I am going to hell for this one. Heard it at the Victor Continental show a few weeks ago.

What are Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett getting for Christmas?















Patrick Swayze.

CRAP! Did I kill the thread with that one??!!!

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.

20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!