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Subject: Texas Chili Cook Off Contest
If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running
down your
cheeks then there's no hope for you!
**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It
takes up a
major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are
from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from
the East
Coast.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to
the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ----, what the hell is this stuff? You
could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw
the look on my face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me
more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part
of my
chest. I'm getting -----faced from all of the beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out ones taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ----- is
starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Screw those rednecks!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I ---- myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my --- with a snow cone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like ---- to
match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-
inch hole
in my stomach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure he's
going
to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili.
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