The Joke Thread or Its About Time for a Joke Thread

Gazza · **Joined:** Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:23 pm **Posts:** 846

Shame on you all for not starting an "official" joke thread.

Monkeys. All of you.

Anyway, to kick things off...

Quote:

I was walking through the jungle the other day and I saw a dead elephant, it had been beaten to death.. I was a bit confused but carried on walking, a few minutes later I saw a pygmy.. so I asked him "what happened to that elephant?" he said "I beat him to death with my club".. "f**king hell" I said "it must have been a big club".. "it is" he said "There's twenty of us...

Quote:

My dog has no nose. How does he smell?

Awful

*crickets*

bergerfry · **Joined:** Fri Feb 16, 2007 4:32 pm **Posts:** 1624

I think you killed your own thread with that last on Gazza. That was ugly.

psyberwire · **Joined:** Sun Jul 02, 2006 8:41 pm **Posts:** 1091

Gazza, you didnt. :shock:

Well... on that note.

How do you know its bedtime at the Jackson house??
Big hand touches the little hand...... :shock:

I dont care who ya are thats funny right there.....Lord I apoligize and be with those starving pygmies down there in New Guinea...oh wait, they aint starvin' no more, they got some elephant. Get er done!

Gazza · **Joined:** Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:23 pm **Posts:** 846

Oh my god that joke is so horrible. To think anyone could be so sick to laugh at that...

You should be ashamed. This is a family forum.

psyberwire · **Joined:** Sun Jul 02, 2006 8:41 pm **Posts:** 1091

Gazza wrote:

Ok, second joke fixed.

Much more tasteful.

Don't make it to tasteful then my joke will be hanging out there as the deepest sludge at the bottom of the barrel.

bergerfry · **Joined:** Fri Feb 16, 2007 4:32 pm **Posts:** 1624

I saw Michael Jackson at Kohls the other day.

He heard that boys pants were half off.

LD · **Joined:** Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:42 pm **Posts:** 26

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison .....

Gazza · **Joined:** Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:23 pm **Posts:** 846

You people are sick.

Im sorry I even started this thread.

psyberwire · **Joined:** Sun Jul 02, 2006 8:41 pm **Posts:** 1091

Gazza wrote:

You people are sick.

Im sorry I even started this thread.

Oh, you dirty littlle........ :grumble:

Gazza · **Joined:** Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:23 pm **Posts:** 846

So I'm walking through the park and see Beyonce Knowles holding a duck by its legs and shaking it vigorously. I go "Hey, Beyonce Knowles, what you doing to that duck?". She replies "Shaking the feathers off it to fill a duvet". I said "Girl I didn't know you could get down like that"

Went to Walmart to buy a Prince doll. It was 20 bucks but I partied like it was $19.99.

How do you make a car vanish?
Make it taller and put doors on the back.

:???:

psyberwire · **Joined:** Sun Jul 02, 2006 8:41 pm **Posts:** 1091

bergerfry · **Joined:** Fri Feb 16, 2007 4:32 pm **Posts:** 1624

I know a person who has a friend who has a daughter who was all at my house the other day. The daughter was sitting there with her shoes off and everyone was staring at her feet and she proceeded to say "The kids at school say I have camel toes." I still laugh until I cry. (This is actually a true story, no names were used and the actual person is a closer relative than the one mentioned. And yes, we let her know what camel toes were. She now wears looser clothing).

fairylightduex · **Joined:** Sat Feb 17, 2007 3:01 pm **Posts:** 1137

TOO FUNNY! Poor girl!
Does anyone remember the Art Linkletter show 'Kids say the darnest things'? That would have fit right in.

THanks for the laugh.

bergerfry wrote:

I know a person who has a friend who has a daughter who was all at my house the other day. The daughter was sitting there with her shoes off and everyone was staring at her feet and she proceeded to say "The kids at school say I have camel toes." I still laugh until I cry. (This is actually a true story, no names were used and the actual person is a closer relative than the one mentioned. And yes, we let her know what camel toes were. She now wears looser clothing).

bergerfry · **Joined:** Fri Feb 16, 2007 4:32 pm **Posts:** 1624

This girl was 18 years old and a senior in high school when this happened. That's what made it so funny to me.

voyeur · **Joined:** Thu Feb 08, 2007 10:05 am **Posts:** 400

The pastor of a small church was invited to tea at the home of the retired organist. As he is sitting there drinking his tea, he keeps noticing a bright red condom sitting on the top of the woman’s organ. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, and he asks her “what is that on the top of your organ?”
“Oh,” she replies, “ I was taking a walk several months ago and found this small package lying on the ground. I picked it up and the wrapper said “place on your organ to prevent disease.” I have had it here since, and it really works. I haven’t been sick since.”

Gazza · **Joined:** Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:23 pm **Posts:** 846

Whats black and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre

:neutral:

voyeur · **Joined:** Thu Feb 08, 2007 10:05 am **Posts:** 400

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, got into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to
her, he replied, "It's Lent."
In tears, she cries, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

weeslicket · **Joined:** Sun Jun 18, 2006 11:56 am **Posts:** 738

a guy walked into a bar.

(it's only funny if you're not that guy, and you got to watch it)

motormouthe · **Joined:** Thu Aug 31, 2006 7:15 pm **Posts:** 368

Okay I already know I am going to hell for this one. Heard it at the Victor Continental show a few weeks ago.

What are Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett getting for Christmas?

Patrick Swayze.

I know, I know - straight to hell.

motormouthe · **Joined:** Thu Aug 31, 2006 7:15 pm **Posts:** 368

CRAP! Did I kill the thread with that one??!!!

bergerfry · **Joined:** Fri Feb 16, 2007 4:32 pm **Posts:** 1624

W.C Fields to bartender: Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?

Bartender: Yes

W.C.: What a load off my mind, I thought I lost it.

Gern_Blanston · **Posted:** Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:49 pm

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks him if he knows he has a steering wheel in his pants. The pirate replies "Yarrrrr! And it's drivin' me nuts!".

Ba dum ching!

Gazza · **Joined:** Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:23 pm **Posts:** 846

Two dyslexics walk into a bra...

weeslicket · **Joined:** Sun Jun 18, 2006 11:56 am **Posts:** 738

a pirate walked into a dyslexic.
raghgrra!

kooter · **Joined:** Sat Feb 24, 2007 4:35 pm **Posts:** 2536

ok..well..what ever.

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes

Gazza · **Joined:** Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:23 pm **Posts:** 846

Why did the baker have dirty hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

Why are there no television sets in afghanistan?

Because of the tellyban.

Whats blue and doesnt fit?

A dead epileptic

Went to the Blockbuster and said can i borrow batman forever, the shop assistant said no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow

How many contemporary interpretive dancers does it take to change a lightbulb?

5,6,7,8...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

And finally.....

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

weeslicket · **Joined:** Sun Jun 18, 2006 11:56 am **Posts:** 738

at kooter:
i should have said that a dyslexic pirate walked into a bar.
raghgrra!
(raghgrra! = aarrrggh!)

((but really the pirate has dyslalia.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ ... ?qsrc=2446))

Gazza · **Joined:** Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:23 pm **Posts:** 846

motormouthe wrote:

Okay I already know I am going to hell for this one. Heard it at the Victor Continental show a few weeks ago.

What are Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett getting for Christmas?

Patrick Swayze.

motormouthe wrote:

CRAP! Did I kill the thread with that one??!!!

OMG. I just figured something out.

Your joke killed Patrick Swayze. :sad:

Gazza · **Joined:** Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:23 pm **Posts:** 846

How do you make a pirate angry?

You take away his p.

Sorry...sorry. It had to be done. This place is so dead.

weeslicket · **Joined:** Sun Jun 18, 2006 11:56 am **Posts:** 738

fucing hilarious.
aaarrrrggghhhh

Gern_Blanston · **Posted:** Wed Sep 24, 2014 12:14 pm

I really miss Gazza.

Quote:

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.

20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-hudspeth/2013/09/50-terrible-quick-jokes-thatll-get-you-a-laugh-on-demand/

BestSylvia · **Joined:** Thu Jan 08, 2009 4:38 pm **Posts:** 128

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

The Joke Thread or Its About Time for a Joke Thread

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